The secret to overcoming shyness

Next time you're invited to a party you are afraid of, remember this: timidity affects 40% of the population, and it's not a death sentence.

People can completely overcome the reservations by preparing and slowly participating in new social situations. Perhaps not surprisingly, one of the leading experts on shyness, Bernardo Carducci, has struggled with his timidity.

"I have a lot of friends, but I don't have a date," Carducci, director of Indiana University's Shyness Research Institute, said of his youth.

Carducci said that contrary to what people think, shyness is not predetermined. That's because shyness requires a sense of self - something that grows only when it's 18 months old. It includes feeling too aware of yourself, negative assessment of yourself, and too worried about your image.

"Shy people often act as if there's always a mirror in front of them , " he said.

However, genes also play a role . About 15% of babies are born with an available reserve - meaning they will react strangely to a new test. For example, they may shrink before an exploding balloon.

And if 1 in 2 twins and timid eggs, so does the other."That does not mean that shyness is inherited by genetics, or it is insurmountable, but simply that some people are born more timid than others," Jonathan Cheek, the psychologist. Physics at Wellesley University, USA, says.

In general, shy people want to be open and friendly with people, but don't know how to do it. They are very slow in getting used to a new social situation, partly because they are too worried about themselves.

"They will attend a social event, but if they feel uncomfortable within 10 minutes, they will turn their heads and run," Carducci said.

Finally, timid people often have what Carducci calls a " comfortable range limit ". They can also socialize and have friends, but often do some things over and over with the same group of friends, instead of approaching new social situations.

However, Carducci points out that shyness is not related to self-esteem. They can still be confident in some areas of life - they can give presentations to hundreds of people - but the thought of an informal conversation with a stranger makes them extremely worried.

There are several ways to overcome shyness

One of them is relaxation training. People can imagine themselves in different social situations, while taking slow deep breaths to keep calm. They can also slowly expand their "comfort range".

Cheek suggests that volunteering is a good way to do it."When you volunteer, people will not care about your skill level, they just follow you, and so there will be no criticism."

In addition, it is important to overcome step by step shame. For example, "if a shy man wants to invite a colleague to drink water, his first goal is to have a small talk with her about work related topics ," Cheek. to speak.

Before doing this, he should practice talking to a friend or consultant. The second time he talked to the girl, he could talk about something more personal, until he finally invited the girl out.

MT