The secret to peace in long-term marriage

When young couples are in conflict, they often argue straight to the point. But in long-term marriages, each side often seeks to avoid the controversial issue.

Scientists surveyed 127 middle-aged couples, about 40-50 years old and married for more than 13 years. They also filmed brief debates to find out how couples handle disputes related to housework or finance.

As a result, most older couples tend to avoid conflict or debate, they often switch topics or ignore it. "This is a common technique in communication called " demanding - avoiding ". This technique involves a person blaming another person or forcing the person to change (the "demanding" role), while the other person avoiding talking about problems or not interacting (the role "evading"). ).

As people age, people often resolve conflicts by avoiding it.(Photo: Dreamstime)

"If the husband avoids his wife's request for dishwashing, the escape can ease the wife's request, from which the husband is more likely to withdraw from the debate , " said Sarah Holley, Psychologist at the University of San Francisco said.

Often, evading a conflict is considered harmful to the relationship - especially in young couples, because conflict will never be resolved.

However, for older couples, they have been discussing disagreements for decades, so if they both avoid the 'persistent' topic, they can 'drive' the conversation to a more neutral theme.

As people age, people tend to avoid conflict and give up goals that cannot be achieved. Instead, they practice seeking positive experiences throughout the rest of their lives. The desire to extend the relationship can also affect such behavior, Holley explained.

The 'demanding - evading' communication pattern is not limited to a grumbling wife and a silent husband, Holley said. She studied this model in many different couples. In a study of couples in 2010, Holley found that those who are looking for change often take on the 'demanding' role, while the opponent wants to stay like that often takes the role of 'hiding'. avoid'.